Moving through Crystal

all in chains. nailed to the corners of my head. I know there will
be a new day where I can see bright colours. but when when when.
I know there is a limit to my patience. Im going wild. I want to break free
from all these illusions covering my eyes like a silent blanket of snow.

all I have to do is stay strong. but what does it mean?
do I tell myself these tears falling down my face are
just part of my chemistry. the way my eyes goes puffy and
red is just a part of how... I hate it. Im out of words.
it's like they have no meaning.

for all the girls who had someone steal their honor and respect.
for those who had someone stabbing you over and over again with
a blade made of evil. for all the girls who suffer from trauma.
for all the girls who were raped.

you're not alone. Im here with you. we will find a way...

like a ray of light moving through crystal.

Here we go again

loud. the world is screaming. out of breath. sore throat. need some sweet
honey in my steaming cup. not sure what im feeling today. its all a bit 
trippy and its like im dancing on an endless chain of stairs. not sure 
whether to step up or to skip back down. im running in my mind. body just 
moving. slowly. its all a flare of light through a glass crystal. lens glare. 
its all blurry my eyes are teary.

fuck this. just cant be bothered. another toke on that bong man.

peace n love. x

Tunez: Virgin State of Mind – K’s Choice

Even when Im wrong Im right

I swing from the chandelier, I hold on and wait for dawn. again and again
I think I like this game. playing with my mind. stop rewind repeat. faces 
haunt me. old restless bones rattling to the symphony. you know infinite 
present past i'm falling in between. holding on to the ripping seam. 
shivers running through me but dulled by medication. try to hold on to 
motivation. one two three, namasté. breathe reach reach reach for the sky. 
reproducing recycling the past over and over. try to put it all on fire 
but the demons will not die. i need to turn it all around and feed of their
energy. angle it through a crystal of rainbows. i refuse to lay down 
defeated. you will never win. even when im wrong im right.

I have too many thoughts in my head

Hi there. I'm back. Again. It's been a while. Been busy living. . .

All these winding roads and labyrinths we have to get lost in. I have started all over again and again and again. Two years ago I started traveling the world alone. I visited Australia, Vietnam, Thailand, Burma, Malaysia, Norway again, back to Thailand, and now suddenly I find myself relocated in a small British country town. THIS IS ENGLAND. I now face new daily challenges like two separate water taps on almost every sink (one where you burn your hand off and one where you freeze) and other small unimportant things we Scandinavians find funny or interesting when traveling beyond our own borders. I am not taking the piss, I am happy to say that I do not have too many worries at the moment. I am fighting nightmares and old ghosts though, but I know when the winter is over there will be a new spring. I know like all the billion buds will flower I will eventually blossom as well. It will take time. Time to create a new perception of the world we’re all so confused and living in. The past years I have spent so much time running away from my old life I almost forgot to live now. Always holding my guard, looking back over my shoulder. I am so fed up with being afraid all the time. Sun is shining outside my window, yet I only stare out at it, not yet capable of moving my sad lazy ass out there to enjoy it. Lazy, that’s what depression makes you. I don’t even feel sad, but I know it’s lurking behind there somewhere.

It is strange being a foreigner in a country so similar yet so undeniably different from your own. I feel like I’m lost in translation half the time. But this is the place I want to be. I have decided to make a new life here for the time being… Forever lost. I never expected to end up here. Strange, how life twists and turns sometimes. Life is slowly adapting and changing for the better. I have met so many beautiful and inspirational souls the past years of traveling I almost find it hard to memorize them all. I sit here with a heart heavy with gratitude. We have so much to learn from each other, by absorbing new scenery’s, by drinking wine, passing joints and making conversation. In this western world I feel like everyone is striving inside their own bubbles. Their own self constructed universes displayed on screens, shining with glorified pictures of the life we hope so eagerly the rest of world will remember us for…

Alien, that’s the word I’m looking for. Alienation. Hibernation. I know there are others with the same kind of mindset. It will just take some time. I will crawl out of my hole. Did I mention that I have already started? One third, at least! I work as a drama teacher for year 5 and 6 at a school once a week. KARMA. WIN. HARD WORK PAYS IN HAPPINESS. Now all I need to do is convince them to pay me some actual pounds as well. It still feels good to do what I love the most. Working with kids and theatre make me think good things of the world.

I am still traveling. Still it feels just like yesterday I left Gardermoen Airport in Oslo, heading in direction Heathrow – Hong Kong – Brisbane. I left everything I knew behind. And I haven’t looked back since. Maybe, that is only half way a lie. As far as home is concerned, I cling to the ones I love and see them on Skype whenever we feel it’s been far too long. I didn’t post much when I was exploring South-East Asia. But, some scribbles made it to the world-wide web.

I became a part of a marine conservation group (Eco Koh Tao) when I was living as a PADI divemaster in Thailand. I wrote some articles during my Eco Internship at Crystal Dive: Project AWARE – Eco Koh Tao – Mooring Line Project –  Reef Check Ecodiver Course. Feel free to have a look.

It’s late afternoon. Time to force myself to go outside. Sun is shining. Put my shades on. I will update more later I promise.

Tunes: Listening to Skambankt – Voodoo. I’m sorry if Norwegian is a bit tough to understand, but this song describes all the thoughts in my head right now. It just makes sense. Listen to the tune anyway, they don’t only have real lyrics they also got bad ass guitars.

 

Love and light, Kris xx xx

Just thoughts

i put the blinds down low. make sure the door is locked. then i kill the lights. curl up like a ball in my bed and pretend i don’t exist. stay calm, breathe. keep my pillow tight. while i examine the cracks on the wall i wonder how to break this spell, this curse of living … hell?

what do you do when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can’t let go? i ask myself how to let go of naivety. how to end my path of stupidity. chasing ghosts in midday sun. don’t want to be chained to anyone.

i still remember the day. it was cold. i sat up waiting for you. the sweet touch of spring. i close my eyes and remember everything. how the clouds were covering the april sky. how your eyes looked at me the day before. why? you were supposed to come pic me up. you were just around the corner. but you never showed up. i had my finger nails done. my best dress on. but you never came. and you didn’t pic up the phone. heard from others you were busy. acting though man you lying little sissy. deadly kiss. you left me nothing but a broken promise. i never saw your face that week. nor the months that came after. silence. again. dust in the wind. one should keep one’s eyes skinned. i found my reality ripping at the seems. ignorance is bliss. greatest lie of all time, fooling myself like this.

then, now, years later i finally get to know your reasons. what once were, now departed by several lost seasons. the knowledge breaks my heart. i just couldn’t stop blaming you for everything. you played me like dart. i cursed you, hated you, despised you. all just to convince myself you were the worse. the one who didn’t deserve me. now i just can’t let it be. you did it all to protect me. fuck you, how i hate this misery. life goes on and i got caught up on a new track. try to paint in colors, but all i see is pitch black.