Moving through Crystal

all in chains. nailed to the corners of my head. I know there will
be a new day where I can see bright colours. but when when when.
I know there is a limit to my patience. Im going wild. I want to break free
from all these illusions covering my eyes like a silent blanket of snow.

all I have to do is stay strong. but what does it mean?
do I tell myself these tears falling down my face are
just part of my chemistry. the way my eyes goes puffy and
red is just a part of how... I hate it. Im out of words.
it's like they have no meaning.

for all the girls who had someone steal their honor and respect.
for those who had someone stabbing you over and over again with
a blade made of evil. for all the girls who suffer from trauma.
for all the girls who were raped.

you're not alone. Im here with you. we will find a way...

like a ray of light moving through crystal.

Here we go again

loud. the world is screaming. out of breath. sore throat. need some sweet
honey in my steaming cup. not sure what im feeling today. its all a bit 
trippy and its like im dancing on an endless chain of stairs. not sure 
whether to step up or to skip back down. im running in my mind. body just 
moving. slowly. its all a flare of light through a glass crystal. lens glare. 
its all blurry my eyes are teary.

fuck this. just cant be bothered. another toke on that bong man.

peace n love. x

Tunez: Virgin State of Mind – K’s Choice

Even when Im wrong Im right

I swing from the chandelier, I hold on and wait for dawn. again and again
I think I like this game. playing with my mind. stop rewind repeat. faces 
haunt me. old restless bones rattling to the symphony. you know infinite 
present past i'm falling in between. holding on to the ripping seam. 
shivers running through me but dulled by medication. try to hold on to 
motivation. one two three, namasté. breathe reach reach reach for the sky. 
reproducing recycling the past over and over. try to put it all on fire 
but the demons will not die. i need to turn it all around and feed of their
energy. angle it through a crystal of rainbows. i refuse to lay down 
defeated. you will never win. even when im wrong im right.

Just thoughts

i put the blinds down low. make sure the door is locked. then i kill the lights. curl up like a ball in my bed and pretend i don’t exist. stay calm, breathe. keep my pillow tight. while i examine the cracks on the wall i wonder how to break this spell, this curse of living … hell?

what do you do when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can’t let go? i ask myself how to let go of naivety. how to end my path of stupidity. chasing ghosts in midday sun. don’t want to be chained to anyone.

i still remember the day. it was cold. i sat up waiting for you. the sweet touch of spring. i close my eyes and remember everything. how the clouds were covering the april sky. how your eyes looked at me the day before. why? you were supposed to come pic me up. you were just around the corner. but you never showed up. i had my finger nails done. my best dress on. but you never came. and you didn’t pic up the phone. heard from others you were busy. acting though man you lying little sissy. deadly kiss. you left me nothing but a broken promise. i never saw your face that week. nor the months that came after. silence. again. dust in the wind. one should keep one’s eyes skinned. i found my reality ripping at the seems. ignorance is bliss. greatest lie of all time, fooling myself like this.

then, now, years later i finally get to know your reasons. what once were, now departed by several lost seasons. the knowledge breaks my heart. i just couldn’t stop blaming you for everything. you played me like dart. i cursed you, hated you, despised you. all just to convince myself you were the worse. the one who didn’t deserve me. now i just can’t let it be. you did it all to protect me. fuck you, how i hate this misery. life goes on and i got caught up on a new track. try to paint in colors, but all i see is pitch black.

Turn over a new leaf

Due to an awful lot of stress, and horrible internet connection I haven’t had the patience to blog lately. But now I’m back, and there’s been a change in status; I’m finally on the move! The butterflies in my stomach have got an extra set of wings. My temper is jojo-ing like a roller coaster from calm and relaxed to hysterical and back, and recently I’ve become an check-list-maniac. Chronic absent-mindedness. Focus is this week’s goal. Monday, and my backpacker sack (I’ve finally found one!) must be inhabited, and ready for take off. First stop Volda, then Asker-Oslo. September 3rd the flight leaves 0755 from Gardermoen -> Heathrow -> Hong Kong -> BRISBANE. If I’d say that I’m anything else than euphoric, it would be a lie.

Third day of vacation. This week I find myself living in my family’s new house in Tomrefjorden, which is a little fjord below high mountains, far out on the Norwegian country side. Just had my grandmother over for a cup of coffee. Her visit did me good. Haven’t seen her beautiful face for a long, long time. She had so many clever words of wisdom to share. The last ten years I’ve been lost in a turmoil. She told me that it’s time for some action. A stern look she gave me. -You should NOT look back, she said. -Never!

She made me realize more than ever that life happens, now, as I’m writing these words. I have to gain control. Nobody will ever do it for me. Have to stop worrying ’bout other peoples opinions. I’m 22 years old, and up till now this has been a very tricky point for me to figure out. Been rooted to the spot. Haunted by ghosts from my previous life. Chapter closed. I’ll burn it all all down to ashes. Now is the time to die and start a new life. Metaphorically of course. Like the phoenix I will spread my wings and fly away. I’ll be the queen of my castle. I’ve finally gained the knowledge. Life goes on. I’ll keep her words close at heart. We sure cannot be all things to all men. I’m one step closer to Australia and Vietnam. One step closer to the person I wanna be. -Happy and free from misery! Big smile on my face today. I’ll share it with you guys. Love K.

A nimble mind. Wide awake. I gaze at the world as my feet take me further. 
Clearly, I can see now. One step, then two steps at the time. Free from the 
chains in my mind. One step closer. I can feel it now. Erasing all negativity. 
Fed up with this stupidity. Self loathing is a curse. Constantly looking back 
over my shoulder - just makes it worse. Heading now the opposite direction. 
Took me a time to understand. I see a new wave is coming ashore the land.

TUNEZ TODAY: Fiona Apple – Regret, Every Single Night, Daredevil, Hot Knife.

Rope

How do you fight addiction. Mind floating in sweet fiction. Colors covering 
my eyes. Life as it is in disguise. Chained to bed. Only screaming noices in 
my head. Can feel my heart jumping, though I play dead. You look at me with 
hungry eyes. Dress me naked. Make it impossible for me to fake it. Misuse once 
was a game. Now all I feel is shame. The hunter became the hunted. Chasing 
ghosts in midday sun. Collecting 'em, and keeping 'em in my pocket.

Puke. Choke. Release. ME.

H8

Faen. Apati. Ingenting. Fortsatt. Vemmes. I morgen er det innlevering. Tre måneder til jeg stikker. Det blir ikke en dag for tidlig. Håper jeg ønsker meg tilbake, for nå vil jeg bare bort, bort, bort.

 Drømmer meg. . . bort igjen. Livet, jeg både elsker og hater det.

Skinny bitch sure is walking tall, down on her bloody knees fall. Fall for the 
wrong reasons, head full of mindless conclusions. Anger and agony, confusion 
and misery.Tried so long, tried so hard. All to fail. Again. Again. History 
repeats itself. Running fugitive, just can't get ahead of  myself. Ain't 
fooling anybody but my own reflection. Self esteem waiting for a resurrection. 
Might as well, just flip a coin into the wishing well. But, do I have the 
right to vengeance? Once you were, now you're lost. You ripped me apart, faith 
in love was it's cost. Now I wait, behind the curtain of the pantomime.

LYD I DAG:
Black Rebel Motorcycle  Club – We’re all in love.

I skyggen

du gikk aldri hjem
du er en av dem
som falt for rusen
som falt i grusen

du sier aldri nei
du blir aldri lei
smaken av rusen
smaken av grusen

du gir aldri opp
før det sier stopp
på kne for rusen
på kne i grusen

du flyr høyt på falske vinger

du vil ikke kutte
du vil ikke slutte
slave for rusen
slave i grusen

du tørr ikke snu
brenner hver bru
drømmer om rusen
drømmer i grusen

du øyner ingen sti
du går rett forbi
fengslet av rusen
fengslet i grusen

du flyr høyt på falske vinger

du leker med flammer
som forførende lammer
piskes av rusen
piskes i grusen

du føler deg liten
du føler deg sliten
blør for rusen
blør i grusen

du svever i drømme
lar sjelen din tømme
lever for rusen
lever i grusen

du bærer din smerte
inni ditt hjerte
i skyggen for sola
aleine på jorda
i skyggen av rusen
aleine i grusen

Desember 2010 © Kristina Myrvold

Livsfarlig lilla

"Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art." -Kurt Cobain.

Erfaringer, noe jeg samler på. Ikke fordi jeg vil. Fordi jeg lever.

Erfaring i bevaring i et melkeglass. Bittesmå farger svømmer i gass. Kirsebærrød og mangogul. En formet som en sommerfugl. Livsfarlig lilla, lekende lett. Sjøgrønn og himmelblå danser tett. Setter glasset inntil øret, bølgebrus. Sand mellom tærne. Savn etter rus. Evig trengsel. Alltid i et fengsel.

Nightmare

“love, you’re news to me
you’re a little bit more than i thought you’d be
a mole in my well-fed lawn
you’re a nightmare beating the dawn”

Innsiden skriker. Det er kaos og fullt opprør. Steinkasting, fakkeltog og gassmasker. Revolusjon. Det gamle regimet skal knuses. Hatet skal gruses. Negativiteten skal feile. Angst og fortvilelse skal sin egen sjø seile. Selvforakten skal forlate meg. Angeren skal hvile seg. Sakte men sikkert. Det skal ut av systemet.

Litt etter litt. Dag for dag. Smelter isen. Endelig. Rare du, som har med deg varmen. Jeg liker deg.

“lord, i’ve had my deal
but i never quite knew how it feels
when love makes you wake up sore
with fists that are ready for more”

LYD I DAG:
The Cardigans – Long Gone Before Midnight

Crack my lip

'cause. i won't let this build up inside of me. i won't let this build up 
inside of me. she's a myth that i have to believe in. she isn't real. 
i can't make her real.

heaven seem far away. my head is on delay. i’m not through the night yet. oh, how i wish for the winter to come. to crack my lip and make me shiver. to make my skin raw. mountains of white with a silverish gleam. i’m off into a winter dream. so white and pure. so cold, bleak and empty. i notice the season’s ripe for change. in a solitude way, try to pick up the the pieces – that once was me. gather my thoughts. kill my inner demons. cure my diseases.

love’s lost disciple. the one that laid down to wither and die. the one who’s heart could not beat. trick or treat. i wish not to fool or retreat. why must this be. confusion and agony.